I've decided that my thoughts about the incident are like a cloud. They say that our emotions come and go like clouds in the sky. The incident is its own dark blue cloud with black writing. Among my happiness clouds and nostalgia clouds and even the "oh that wasn't pleasant" clouds, this one floats. I could be walking along a boardwalk watching the ocean and I think of it. I could be mid-conversation with my husband and there it is. I jump up in the middle of the night, startled and out of breath. I don't remember what I dreamt but I know it was a dark cloud dream.
To make peace with it being among the clouds about the other parts of my life - how do I do that? How do I kind of shrug and say, "Okay so there you are - that's okay." I want to obliterate it. I want to ensure that it doesn't touch any of the others and taint them. I want it to stop going by when I am otherwise relaxed and having a decent time.
I know I have to stop this fighting it and wishing it away. It's here to stay. It is a part of me. Sigh....
Monday, June 27, 2016
Friday, June 17, 2016
In the Beginning...
In the Beginning... an incident occurred in a split second that would forever change everything about me. The Beginning was 3 years ago. It was when 48 years of living was abruptly and forcibly separated from the years that would come after. It was a schism created by the actions of someone else that collided with my life and the life of my children. It was the Beginning of a journey inside my own brain - my thoughts, emotions and reactions.
The incident itself is not the topic of this blog. It is the aftermath, what is left when the split second is over and our brains scramble to protect us from further harm.
I am starting this blog now because it has taken 3 years for me to come to the part of the journey that is the road to making peace. First, there was EMDR therapy to get my alarmed brain to move its waves past the moment. Then, there was 3 years of learning that my emotions are not facts and my thoughts are not reality and that peace of mind is literally all that matters. I had to learn that "we create our own reality" is real. There was convincing my own brain that I was a victim and could not have made even one different decision because I did nothing wrong. There was anxiety and fear and terror and nightmares and flashbacks and tears and more bravery than I even knew I had.
And now I stand in a place with no threat to me and knowing absolutely that this incident cannot bring more harm to me or my children or my wonderfully patient husband. When you peel away the real or perceived threat and you reach the sadness, all that is left is to figure out a way to make peace with it.
"It's over!" people have said happily.
"You can put this behind you now," they declare in an attempt to show optimism and support.
"It's in the past now," they say but that statement just highlights that my past will always be my present.
It will always be there. The incident is in the very breath I breathe. In and out - be careful. Inhale - why, exhale - me. It isn't as horrendous as In the Beginning. It doesn't pierce my brain. It grazes it. It sweeps by like a ghost all the time - back and forth and back again.
My father died 15 years ago after a 2 1/2 year illness. I think of him everyday. Much like that, this will also never disappear. The intense pain may dull but, wait, there it goes by me again.
I write this at all because this is how I process best. I communicate. I am a public speaker and author. I take ideas from my head and spit them out by sharing them with others. I have come to realize that I cannot move to the next step - making peace with it - if I do not do what comes most naturally to me. I cannot head in the direction of finding that peace if I do not fully and completely process in the most comfortable and natural means I have and so I will write.
I write other articles, blogs and even a soon to be published book on an entirely different topic. I do that as a career that I believe uses my gifts to make some small improvement in the world. I write this blog for myself. If others read it and are helped or educated, that's nice. If no one reads it, I'm fine with that, too.
In the Beginning ... a moment of unforeseen and unpredictable chaos ripped my identity and world view into a billion tiny particles and now - 3 years later - I record my journey toward true peace.
The incident itself is not the topic of this blog. It is the aftermath, what is left when the split second is over and our brains scramble to protect us from further harm.
I am starting this blog now because it has taken 3 years for me to come to the part of the journey that is the road to making peace. First, there was EMDR therapy to get my alarmed brain to move its waves past the moment. Then, there was 3 years of learning that my emotions are not facts and my thoughts are not reality and that peace of mind is literally all that matters. I had to learn that "we create our own reality" is real. There was convincing my own brain that I was a victim and could not have made even one different decision because I did nothing wrong. There was anxiety and fear and terror and nightmares and flashbacks and tears and more bravery than I even knew I had.
And now I stand in a place with no threat to me and knowing absolutely that this incident cannot bring more harm to me or my children or my wonderfully patient husband. When you peel away the real or perceived threat and you reach the sadness, all that is left is to figure out a way to make peace with it.
"It's over!" people have said happily.
"You can put this behind you now," they declare in an attempt to show optimism and support.
"It's in the past now," they say but that statement just highlights that my past will always be my present.
It will always be there. The incident is in the very breath I breathe. In and out - be careful. Inhale - why, exhale - me. It isn't as horrendous as In the Beginning. It doesn't pierce my brain. It grazes it. It sweeps by like a ghost all the time - back and forth and back again.
My father died 15 years ago after a 2 1/2 year illness. I think of him everyday. Much like that, this will also never disappear. The intense pain may dull but, wait, there it goes by me again.
I write this at all because this is how I process best. I communicate. I am a public speaker and author. I take ideas from my head and spit them out by sharing them with others. I have come to realize that I cannot move to the next step - making peace with it - if I do not do what comes most naturally to me. I cannot head in the direction of finding that peace if I do not fully and completely process in the most comfortable and natural means I have and so I will write.
I write other articles, blogs and even a soon to be published book on an entirely different topic. I do that as a career that I believe uses my gifts to make some small improvement in the world. I write this blog for myself. If others read it and are helped or educated, that's nice. If no one reads it, I'm fine with that, too.
In the Beginning ... a moment of unforeseen and unpredictable chaos ripped my identity and world view into a billion tiny particles and now - 3 years later - I record my journey toward true peace.
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